The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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