You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
