I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
