I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
