He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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