did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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