dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
