Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
