So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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