that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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