Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
