When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
