omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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