Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
