He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
