This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's rum buckets o'clock
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
