Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
