I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
