everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
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