Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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