I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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