pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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