so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
