She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!