I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
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He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
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one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.