it hurts more in the daytime
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
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Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
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Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.