I am midnight drunk by noon
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
