He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
