no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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