i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
