Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
