end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Buhtt sex?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
