Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
