I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
