either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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