Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
