I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
