i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
