Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I cut my penus on the lid.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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