Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
