I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
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One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.