I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
