My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
