come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
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She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
they call him Oral-B. enough said
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How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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