break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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