So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
