I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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