Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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