literally had 100 drinks last night.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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