Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
