my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The air was thick with penises
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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