i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
