Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
