Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got inside last night via doggy door
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?