and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill