Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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